Even though I’ve been an employee for almost two decades, I’ve successfully negotiated my salary only twice. The first time was in my overly confident mid-20s, just as I started becoming a diligent taxpayer. That “negotiation” succeeded only because it was a counteroffer, which tipped the power balance in my favour.
Ironically, the more experience, knowledge, and skills I gained, the less confident I felt about negotiating for what I was worth. I would often ask myself: What will they think of me? Will they see me as money-minded? Greedy? Preoccupied with money? Shallow? Ungrateful? These irrational thoughts, rooted in my socialisation and upbringing, persuaded me that money was a taboo subject that I dared not touch.
Later, in my 30s, recognising that money was a topic that often stuck in my throat and refused to unclog, I enlisted the help of a career coach when I needed to show up at a negotiation table. I had done my research and knew what I needed to ask for, but I also knew that I needed a coach to help me find the confidence I had somehow lost along the way. I remember how freeing it was and how I wrote to my career coach to tell her I couldn’t believe I had taken this long to experience the sweetness and joy of it.
My research in women and money revealed that I was not alone. A 2023 US study by Wells Fargo found that money is almost as tough to talk about as sex, especially for women, because they consider it a private topic and fear judgement.
While women are not genetically predisposed to shy away from money conversations, I suspect there’s a societal and cultural expectation of modesty imposed on and expected of women that hinders these conversations.
So much so that a woman who comes to the negotiating table ready to discuss money is bound to be disliked or dismissed more easily than a man. That’s why women are more likely than men to lowball themselves during salary negotiations. I know because I have been that woman.
If I could offer one piece of advice to women on matters of money, it would be to arm themselves with two things: knowledge and confidence. Modesty and ignorance have no place at the negotiating table. I love this quote on modesty by poet Maya Angelou: “I don’t think modesty is a very good virtue if it is a virtue at all. A modest person will drop the modesty in a minute. You see, it’s a learned affectation. But humility comes from inside out.”
Lest we forget
This headline caught my eye on Monday, 17th June “Grief and anger as teen is raped, killed”. The Daily Nation reported that Beauty Njoki was waylaid on her way to school, raped, killed and her body dumped inside a thicket. May we never forget the names of the victims. May we be reminded every day that such violence has no place in our country.
