Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My parents owned two houses. One was my childhood home in the suburbs and one was a house on a lake about an hour away. During my mother’s battle with Alzheimer’s, my father, who was her primary caregiver, had a debilitating stroke, and my siblings and I moved both of them into the lake house. It was easier to install bedrooms and a shower on the first floor, and they had 24-hour home health aids to take care of them. Around this time, my older brother left his wife and moved into my parent’s vacant family home in the suburbs.
We all cut him some slack because it was a difficult time. But he never left and he never paid rent. Although he covered some utilities, he lived extremely cheaply—”borrowing” the wifi from the church across the street, slipping his garbage in with the neighbors to avoid paying for pick up, you get the idea. After my mother passed, we sold the home and he moved into the lake house with our father. He did help my dad to a degree, keeping him company, taking him out, etc, but we still paid for 24-hour care and my brother still did not pay any rent. My sisters and I assumed he had some sort of arrangement with our oldest brother, who handled our father’s finances, but apparently, he did not.
Fast forward to now, our father has passed as well as our oldest brother, leaving this brother as executor of the estate. At this point, he has lived rent-free for approximately eight years. He has been gainfully employed and earning an excellent salary this entire time. Although it seems too late to collect eight years of back rent, my sisters and I feel he should pay rent (to the estate) while he is sorting it out. Frankly, he has a conflict of interest at this point. The house is likely worth at least $1.5 million. Is there any way to force him to do this? Some of us could really use the money!
—Dreams Filled With Eight Years of Rent Money
Dear Dreams,
While it’s possible to challenge your brother’s role as executor, it won’t be easy. You’ll have to provide documentation that he has a conflict of interest, and that can be hard to do if there’s nothing to document. You’d also need to consult with a probate or estate attorney to help you with this process, and that can be costly, too.
Before you jump to that option, talk to your brother about the issue. He might have a different take on the matter and not realize that rent was an issue. Maybe he offered to pay rent and your parents didn’t let him. Maybe he just didn’t think about it. Maybe he put in more work taking care of your father than everyone realizes. Try to broach this conversation without sounding accusatory, because that will just put him on the defensive and make the talk wholly unproductive. Tell him that you and the rest of the siblings think it’s only fair that rent is taken into consideration when executing the will. Of course, talk to your siblings first to make sure everyone agrees with you and is on the same page. If you can come up with a specific number you’re asking your brother to consider distributing between you and your other siblings, that would also be helpful. The more prepared you are, the easier it will be for him to take your concern seriously.
If he won’t budge and you still feel strongly about this issue, your next step will be to find a good probate or estate attorney and schedule a consultation. But these matters can deepen family divides, so if you do go that route, make sure you’re prepared for the potential fallout.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
When does it make sense to form a trust instead of just declaring in a will how your assets should be distributed? My parents (70s) recently said that their friends talked them into creating a trust instead of using a will because it’s so much better. My impression is the friends have more assets than the two houses (total value around $500,000) and several retirement funds (maybe another $500,000) that my parents have. The plan has been they’d split it all evenly between their three kids, who all get along and aren’t counting on an inheritance, so I’m not sure what value the trust-related fees are providing.
—WIll Versus Trust
Dear Will,
After someone dies, their will typically goes through a legal process called probate. Put simply, probate is the legal process of validating the will and divvying up the assets. This can be a long, costly, complicated process. The main benefit of a trust versus a will is that a trust allows you to bypass this process. The trust can be set up so that everything goes directly to the people specified without the court’s involvement. Generally speaking, a trust is faster, easier, and more private. There are other benefits, like deciding when minors can access their inheritance, for instance, but it doesn’t sound like that applies here.
For your family, it sounds like the probate process will be relatively straightforward. No one needs the money, everyone gets along, and you don’t foresee any problems. The cost of setting up a trust can be expensive—generally a few thousand dollars—but you pay for the advantages mentioned above. In your family’s case, a trust might not be necessary, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to have one, either. It would be smart of your parents to consult with a financial advisor or estate planning attorney before they make that decision.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I pay my 20-year-old stepdaughter to watch her 8-year-old stepbrother and 4-year-old half-sister. Due to her daycare closing unexpectedly, my sister asked if she could drop off her 10-year-old daughter, “June”, and her 8-year-old son “August” when she or her husband couldn’t swing childcare themselves. My stepdaughter agreed if they paid her.
The problem is that August is a little manic. I knew he was having problems with school, but he always behaved well at family events. My stepdaughter had taken the kids to the park with plans to go to the zoo later on. August wouldn’t stop harassing the ducks or stay away from the river no matter what my stepdaughter told him. My stepdaughter got fed up and told the rest of the kids that they were going home and wouldn’t be going to the zoo because August wouldn’t behave. This upset the rest of the kids and even June wouldn’t speak to her brother for the rest of the day. When my sister picked up her kids, August was upset. Even with the explanation, my sister dressed down my stepdaughter, saying it wasn’t her place to “punish” her son. She didn’t pay my stepdaughter for the day.
My stepdaughter is refusing to watch June and August anymore. And I agree. My sister is upset because they can’t find anyone else and have to use vacation time. I told her she doesn’t have anyone to blame but herself. So family relations are frosty. We have a family reunion coming up and I am wondering if we should skip it rather than deal with my sister and her family.
—Family Troubles
Dear Family Troubles,
I can sympathize with everyone’s point here. Taking care of four kids is a lot to ask of anyone, and if one of those kids is especially spirited, that’s an even bigger job. You don’t need to be a child development expert to babysit kids, but when those kids have special needs or navigate the world differently than other kids, it certainly helps. The situation must have been completely overwhelming for your stepdaughter, and she likely didn’t have the training or tools to deal with it.
On the other hand, I can understand your sister’s frustration. It’s her job to protect her children and make sure they’re getting the help and guidance they need. Despite your frustrations with him, August is a child. He might “know better,” but our culture has a way of dismissing children, especially when those children are neurodivergent or their behavior is inconvenient. We’re quick to brush them off as difficult or manic. Kids need discipline—and it sounds like your stepdaughter did the best she could in the situation—but it doesn’t sound like there’s been much empathy expressed for August, either. There’s a good chance your sister might be sensing this lack of empathy. Ultimately, though, it sounds like she needs to find different childcare options. Someone who has the tools and education to take care of kids who behave differently than others.
Your stepdaughter should be compensated for her work that day, and I would talk to your sister about this, but try to approach the conversation with a little more understanding. Telling your sister she has no one to blame but herself, and telling a child that all of this is his fault, makes a stressful and probably painful situation worse. If you want a relationship with your sister and her kids, you have to address this sooner or later. I would approach her before the family reunion. Your sister seems to be aware of your perspective, and maybe you could take a moment to hear hers. Rather than looking at this conflict as your family versus hers, try approaching it from a place of togetherness. Offer to help her look for alternative childcare or research what behavioral support August might benefit from. This is a good potential learning lesson for the other kids, too: When people are different, we can be there for them while still setting boundaries for ourselves.
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m in (maybe at the end of?) an eight-year relationship, living together in a house we have co-owned for five. I’ve been increasingly unhappy in the relationship lately, mostly due to his anger, impulsivity, and aggression issues, and have been working with friends and my therapist on a breakup plan. I was ready to start the conversation, and as we were walking to the dinner where I was going to do it, he talked shit to a drunk guy on the street and got beat up. He ended up having to have surgery to implant a metal plate in his shoulder, and it’s going to be at least a couple of months of recovery. He’s unemployed (after impulsively quitting his job on the spot without any consideration for me or our life when he got angry with his boss) and on my insurance, and I’m the only one with a job paying our mortgage.
I would be a monster if I still broke up with him now, right? How long do I have to wait? Does it make a difference that while of course, it’s not his fault this man overreacted and attacked us, it also wouldn’t have happened if not for his aggression (I have told him many times how scared I am of this exact thing happening—he’ll talk shit in public and it is obviously not safe for him or me!)? Can my limbic system survive living in this incredibly tense and stressful house while he thunders around slamming doors and punching walls and talking about how horrible and awful and unlivable his life is and how nothing good ever happens to him? Is it really my fault for not dumping him years ago before this could get to this point and now I’ve made my bed and should lie in it?
—Searching for Calm
Dear Searching for Calm,
No, you would not be a monster for doing what is best for you right now. Your partner is responsible for his actions, period. If he has an anger issue, he needs to deal with the consequences of those actions, even if it means missing out on an eight-year relationship. Right now it sounds like you’re holding yourself responsible for his behavior. It might feel like you can tough it out, but how much longer could this go on? And at what cost to you?
It’s kind of you to consider his health insurance and housing. Again, you aren’t responsible for the mess he’s made, but I understand your reluctance to leave someone you love in the lurch. You don’t have to stay together to offer this support, though. Decide what you think is fair—keeping him on your health insurance for a certain period, maybe—and then extend this offer when you cut things off.
Co-ownership of the house makes things increasingly more complicated. Before you break up, I would research your options. For example, one of you could buy out the other and refinance the mortgage. Or you could sell the house and divide the proceeds. You could continue to share ownership and rent it out—there are options. If you haven’t already, set up a call with a professional, like a financial adviser or real estate attorney, to figure out your best course of action. At the very least, you should have a plan for your living arrangements while you figure out what to do with the house. If he already has anger issues, you won’t want to be living with him after breaking the news.
The bottom line is that you’re not a bad person for wanting out of this situation. At best, it sounds unnecessarily stressful. At worst, it sounds unsafe.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
My wife is beautiful, smart, fun, and we complement each other in a lot of ways. But we cannot for the life of us figure out how to stick to a compromise. When we disagree, we’ll talk about it and come to an agreement, then a few days later, she’ll bring it up again, saying I “need to work with [her] and move to the middle.”
