Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I (30s) have a moderately strained relationship with my mother and stepfather (60s). They bought an RV during the COVID camping boom, didn’t like it due to the time and expense involved plus some health issues, and elected to gift it to us so we could take our young children RV camping (something we could not have afforded on our own). We were surprised and gracious, and have loved it and used it, always sending photos and videos each trip. However, it’s big, bulky, and not what we would have chosen on our own. I want to confirm that it would be out of line to sell it and purchase something more in line with our version of camping with the money. That feels icky and ungrateful, but it was a gift…help!
—Are There Strings Attached?
Dear Strings Attached,
I get it. On one hand, the RV allowed you to create wonderful camping memories with your children. On the other, it’s not quite what you would have chosen for yourselves and it comes with some challenges. Basically, you received a lovely, generous gift that you’ve outgrown. While it’s true that a gift is typically yours to do with as you please, this situation is a bit more complex. The gift is financially significant and you don’t want to further strain your relationship with your mom and stepfather. Selling the RV and buying something else without their knowledge or consent could be perceived as a breach of trust and might damage what the relationship.
So, talk to them. Express your gratitude for their generosity and share how much your family has enjoyed using the RV. You might even present them with a framed photo of you and the kids posing with it from one of your trips. Then, gently explain the challenges you’re facing with its size and functionality as the kids are growing up. See how they respond. If they seem understanding, ask if they would be open to you selling the RV and using the funds to purchase a smaller, more manageable camper that better suits your family’s needs. Emphasize that your goal is to continue the camping tradition they’ve helped start, just in a way that works better for your lifestyle.
Assuming this conversation moves in the right direction, you could offer to involve them in the process. If they’re open to it, ask for their input on the type of camper you’re considering. Share your research and reasoning, and make them feel like they’re still a part of your camping adventures. Make a date to go see a few campers that are the size and price point you feel are optimal. If the conversation doesn’t go well, you have two choices: You could either find a way to make the best of what you have, while continuing to show appreciation for their gift. Or, you can sell the RV, knowing that the relationship may deteriorate further.
Families often have trouble talking about issues relating to money. If your family has never talked about finances, it can seem overwhelming to start with something that feels this fraught. The key to a successful conversation is to use a lot of “I” or “we” statements. You might start this way: “We’d like to talk with you about the RV and a change we’re considering.” Don’t presume to know anything about their choices or their money. But, be open about yours. If you do end up selling the RV and purchasing something new, be sure to keep documenting your camping trips just as you have been. Show them that their gift, in whatever form, is being used to create joyful family memories.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My wife and I have been paying for our twin grandchildren to go to a sleep-away camp since the divorce five years ago. Our daughter left her wife in order to explore her bisexuality. It was very hard on the twins. She is currently engaged to a widower with two children of his own. We understand that these children have a lot of issues of their own, but right now, our grandchildren are our first priority. Our grandson has had a lot of trouble in school this year. Both he and his sister have been looking forward to camp. It is very expensive.
Our daughter’s fiancé has made very pointed remarks about the camp being a waste of money and it would be better served to put all four children into private therapy to get used to the idea of being a stepfamily. My wife and I don’t disagree that the twins could benefit from therapy, but their other mother disagrees with the notion. Also, we have already paid partially for the camp and would not get the money back. And we rather dislike how freely this man feels to spend money that isn’t his. Our daughter is fully head over heels here. We are trying to be neutral, but it is very hard given how our daughter seems more concerned about pleasing this man than being a parent to her twins. How do we handle this?
—Summer Camp
Dear Summer Camp,
Oh, this is sticky. It’s clear that you care deeply about your grandchildren’s well-being, especially given the challenges they’ve faced since their mothers’ divorce. It’s lovely that you’ve been able to give them the gift of summer camp, with its socialization, outdoor activities, and freedoms. Mostly, freedom from what is likely a very uncomfortable situation at home.
Your future son-in-law’s remarks about how you choose to support your grandchildren are frustrating. And while his suggestion of family therapy may have merit, it’s not his place to dictate how you allocate your financial resources, particularly when you’ve already made a commitment to the camp and the twins are looking forward to it.
But the reality is your daughter is in a new relationship. They’re either living together or will be shortly, and blending two families is complex even in the best of circumstances sans the red flags this fiancé is throwing up. She may not be willing to cross him, even if camp is the right move for the twins. If you reach out to her ex-wife to try to gain leverage without first having a frank conversation with her, she (or her fiancé) could cut off access to your grandchildren.
So, talk to your daughter and focus on your shared love for the twins. From your 30,000-foot view, express your concerns about the recent changes in their lives and how much you think they need stability and consistency right now. Camp is a safe, fun, familiar space. Allowing them some time away will give the kids a chance to process their place in her new world. Remind her that you’re here to provide her and her children with unconditional love and support. And to be a stable, positive presence even in the face of changing and challenging family dynamics. But you also have to recognize that, for better or worse, she’s their mom. She gets to make the final decision. You’ll need to find a way to support the twins if your daughter decides it’s better to skip camp and instead spend the summer in therapy. Whether you’re the one footing that bill, though, is entirely up to you.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I will, in the near future, be receiving money from an inheritance. I do not know exactly how much, but it will be in the $20,000 range. I am 40, but spent many of my working years getting paid under the table, so I don’t have a solid retirement account, and I also have approximately $15,000 in debt. I am trying to decide the best thing to do with the money I will be receiving. Paying off my debt would free up a few hundred a month, but investing it for my future would give me more of a cushion for when I’m no longer able to work as I do now. I do not anticipate receiving enough to do both of these things. How do I choose what to do?
—Literate But Not Financially
Dear Literate But Not Financially,
Inheritances are gifts that can have long emotional, and sometimes legal, strings attached. Some heirs worry that they won’t make the right financial choice, and so they do nothing. In your case, the amount you inherit provides an opportunity to make a course correction—pay off debt and start saving for retirement.
I’m going to assume that the $15,000 worth of debt is credit card debt, which carries a fairly high interest rate. If that’s the case, and your spending is now in check, you should use your inheritance to get that paid off, even though it will only leave you a few thousand dollars to invest in your Roth IRA. Here’s why: Every dollar you use to prepay a debt effectively earns you that rate of interest. So, if your credit card company is charging you 21.99 percent interest, every dollar you prepay effectively earns 21.99 percent. Guaranteed. It’s hard to beat that kind of guaranteed return in the stock market. This works even if the interest rate is lower. If you’re carrying $15,000 worth of student loans at 8 percent, every dollar you prepay effectively earns you 8 percent interest. That’s still a great, guaranteed return.
Once your debt is paid off, the money you were using to pay your debt each month can then be redirected into your retirement account. You’ll be surprised how quickly that account starts to grow. A few hundred dollars a month could mean more than $3,000 per year in retirement savings.
I get that you’re worried about your future retirement. You could split the inheritance and put $10,000 toward your debt and the rest in your retirement account. But given how high interest rates currently are, and the fact that most credit card debt is variable (meaning the interest rate can fluctuate from one month to the next), you’ll have a longer-term win by paying off your debt first and then starting to aggressively shovel cash into your IRA.
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m the highest earner in my friend group now, so what’s the etiquette for splitting costs? My friends are all very low-income (we are all in our mid-to-late-20s), as we used to all work at the same establishment that paid poverty wages; a lot of my friends still work there, but I managed to land a corporate job that pays me a LOT more. However, in the (very expensive) city in which we live, my salary doesn’t make me rich. I make enough that I got myself out of debt, was able to get my own apartment, and I’ve been able to start saving an emergency fund. But while I’m finally able to do more than just survive, I can’t be spending lavishly. Admittedly, I’m not the most scrupulous with my money—I know I need to be better at budgeting, and I can be impulsive. But that’s not what I’m writing about.
How should I go about asking for payment if we eat out somewhere as a group, and I cover the bill? I am completely fine paying for my friends’ meals or drinks occasionally, as I can afford it and I want to do fun things with my friends. But I can’t afford to cover for all of them every time. Yet, each time one of my friends doesn’t bring up the topic of payment themselves, I feel terrible about broaching the topic; I fear that they might be thinking, “Why would she ask for my money when she makes more than I do?” For the record, I don’t think they actually think that way, but I don’t think I could blame them if they did. Having been in their shoes, I know how horribly anxiety-inducing financial instability is, and I empathize. I wish I could take their burdens from them and pay for their expenses! I love my friends! But where should I draw the line?
I also know that I personally have a weird relationship with money (which I’m working on in therapy) due to my own past financial instability, and being raised by a mother who taught me to feel guilty about every purchase I ever made. I’m wary of losing money and being taken advantage of, but I also want to be generous and help my friends where I can. None of my friends have ever specifically asked me to pay for things for them; it’s always been either me offering to do so, or I pay and then they forget to pay me back. (When my friends pay for things for me, I always pull out Venmo right away and settle my debts immediately, but I don’t expect others to do the same.) Also for the record, none of my friends nor I have children or family members to support, and many of my friends either have higher-earning spouses/partners or supportive parents who could help them out if they were in really dire straits, although I know my friends would prefer not to take that aid if they had a choice. I just feel guilty asking for money back. What’s appropriate here? Do you have any strategies for asking and mitigating guilt for doing so?
—Too Frugal Friend
Dear Too Frugal Friend,
When you always reach for your wallet you set up a dynamic that potentially makes everyone feel bad. You feel as though you’re always on the hook for paying, which sets up a negative interaction with your nearest and dearest. Your friends (if they are truly your friends and not sponges who are happy to get non-stop freebies) might even feel guilty that they can’t pay their own way.
What I love is that you want to support your friends while also being mindful of your own budget. To make it work, you’ll need to step up the communication while working on your inner critic.
First, set expectations. Let people know ahead of time if you’re going to treat them. But encourage your friends to take turns putting their cards down, or simply divide the bill equally at the table when the server comes with the check. Be honest and open about your desire to find a fair way to split costs, and leverage apps like Venmo, Zelle, or Splitwise to make it easy to split bills and send reminders. Most people will appreciate the transparency. Also, suggest budget-friendly activities. Propose options that are affordable for everyone, like potlucks or free, local events. If you choose to treat yourself and go to a special concert or event where tickets are pricey, take one friend as a special occasion rather than pop for a table for the whole crowd.
Finally, be kind to yourself. Your money guilt is understandable but not helpful, as I’m sure your therapist has shared. It’s definitely OK to prioritize your financial health. It’s great that you’ve gotten this far and found a job that allowed you to get out of debt and put yourself on a positive money path. But you’re just in the first decade of your working life. Hopefully, you’ll have a life full of adventure and joy ahead, and will have the resources to see you through. Remember, true friends will understand and support your efforts to balance generosity and self-care. Communicate openly, lead with compassion, and trust that your friends will still value your friendship even if you don’t always pay their way.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
I’ve always been a “It’s better to give than receive” type, but is it poor taste to stop exchanging with people who seem to give gifts just for the sake of having something to hand over? My husband and I always try to give thoughtful gifts that are relevant to the receivers’ interests and we receive gifts that are of no use.
