My parents keep giving us money we don’t need, and I’m mad.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

I am a middle-aged adult and have one similarly aged sister. My husband and I have pretty high-paying careers. My sister and her spouse are not paid nearly as well, although they also have solid careers. My parents have benefited from inheritances and their own financial planning and have been comfortably retired for some time. And for many years, they’ve helped my sister and her family financially. I’ve never had the impression that they helped my sister in a way that jeopardized their own financial well-being.

My parents have decided that they’ve exceeded whatever limit they had in their minds about how much more they could help my sister financially without sending the same amount to us. So each time they help my sister, they want to send us money. This includes relatively small electronic transfers that show up with little warning, calls from my financial adviser that my parents are trying to transfer more substantial amounts, and sneakily paying for aspects of family vacations that I’d already booked. While I think my parents are generally being mindful of tax limitations applicable to gifts, my spouse and I aren’t really comfortable accepting financial support, and this also seems like a violation of my sister’s confidence (I’d guess that she’d prefer that we not know the nature or extent of the financial support she receives from my parents). And, as unseemly as this is to say, it’s a little bit of a hassle to have random amounts of money show up unexpectedly “for the kids.”

What am I supposed to do with this money? We already fund their 529s, we provide for all material needs, and we do as many kid-friendly experiences as we can, and so on. I’ve told my parents expressly and repeatedly that I do not need things to be “equal” with my sister, and I think they know that I’m being sincere. But they’re not relenting. Is there any way I can persuade them to stop this? Or, if not, do you have suggestions as to how I can direct their gifts to make them happy without making us uncomfortable?

—Thanks but No Thanks

Dear Thanks,

Sometimes when parents help out one child and not another, it breeds resentment. Your parents seem very sensitive to this issue, so while you may not need financial assistance like your sister, they want you to know they love you too. They may be driving you and your financial adviser up the wall, but they mean well. And what a blessing it is to be in this position.

Since your parents seem unable to stop gifting, have them direct their funds into a custodial Roth IRA for your kids instead. When it comes to securing financial aid assistance for college, 529s, trust funds, and other investment vehicles can be counted as financial assets. The more financial assets you and they have, the less financial aid they will be eligible for. It may not seem like an issue now, and it might not be in the future, but it is something to be aware of when investing on your child’s behalf. This is where the custodial Roth IRA comes in.

Retirement accounts are not counted as financial assets for financial aid purposes, which makes this a perfect way for your parents to help their grandchildren. With a custodial Roth IRA, you parents can open one in your child’s name, with the kid being the beneficiary and your parents the custodian. There are stipulations, just like any other type of investment account, so it’s important to do your research as you would in any financial matter. But the best part? It’s free to you and makes your parents feel good, all at the same time.

—Athena Valentine

From: My Partner And I Are At Financial War Over Iced Tea. (September 14th, 2021).

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m 35 and my wife is 34. We’ve been together for seven years, married for two. We have no children. I made approximately twice as much as her. (She’s a teacher and I work in tech.) One of the general end results of that disparity is that a lot of “my” money ends up being saved for “us” things. This is fine with me—our assets are common goods in my view.

The problem? She doesn’t see it that way. She is very uncomfortable having conversations about “our money” and “our financial planning” because she sees those assets as mine. Her family was never open about money with her, so she doesn’t really have a great template for these things. Even when our financial planner stops by, she is mostly an observer.

I have been as understanding as I can be, but honestly, I’m sick of being in charge here. I want a full partner when it comes to our money and our futures. She will happily let me plan a complex and expensive vacation because “I” am paying for it, but I don’t want to do that by myself! Neither do I want to manage our investments on my own; I married a partner, and not a silent one! She’s not financially illiterate (she has a business degree), nor is she a shrinking violet, but this is becoming a significant roadblock in our relationship. What can I do here?

—Reluctant Mr. Moneybags

Dear Reluctant Mr. Moneybags,

When there are income imbalances in a marriage, it’s not unusual for the person making less to feel less independent. Not everyone has a problem with this, but some people feel uncomfortable with this dynamic, and that may be the case with your wife. Acknowledging that money you made is essentially hers too may make her feel like she’s being financially supported by you, and viewing your money as yours alone might make her feel better about being subsidized by your income. I realize that this may seem irrational, since she’s happy to let you spend on her behalf for things like vacations, but it’s probably about her feelings of self-worth, not the money itself.

That said, I think you need to have a conversation with her about the fact that the burden she’s placing on you isn’t the money; it’s that she doesn’t participate in financial planning. She needs to know that it makes you feel like you don’t have a full partner, and there should be some division of labor on that front. It may be helpful to give her some specific things you’d like her to start doing, instead of a general request that she get more involved.

It may also be that she just doesn’t like dealing with financial issues at all and views your current situation as a reasonable division of labor, in return for which she picks up other responsibilities that you may not want. Either way, you need to understand her motivations for avoiding it, and she needs to understand that it makes you feel she’s checked out of the relationship when it comes to thinking about your future.

—Elizabeth Spiers

From: I Inherited Some Land With A Disturbing History. (September 16th, 2021).

Dear Pay Dirt,

My dad died when I was in elementary school. I received a modest amount of life insurance money, which my mom put into an investment account. She would withdraw money from this account to pay for things on my behalf—like clothes or the private school she insisted on sending me to. She chose not to work, and her new husband was often unemployed or underemployed. We basically all lived off my Social Security survivor’s benefits. She cut me off financially as soon as I graduated high school and the benefits stopped (so maybe I cut her off financially?).

Although I lived very frugally, by the time I finished college, the account had dwindled to almost half of what I had originally received, but I haven’t touched it since. Now the balance is almost back to the original amount I received from my dad.

I am not very financially literate, but my husband is. He has invested wisely in the stock market, so much so that he could retire now if he wanted to (he’s in his early 40s). I honestly feel like he could invest my money as wisely, if not better than the mutual fund, but I have an emotional attachment to this money, because it’s basically all I have left from dad. Also, due to COVID, I haven’t been working to be able to watch our children. I like having my own nest egg, especially since I know all too well that something could happen to my husband at any time. In case things go south for whatever reason, I would at least have enough to get by for a year or two.

I think part of the reason for my hesitancy to let my husband invest my money is because of the financial abuse from my mom, and I also would be devastated if something happened to it because it came from my dad. I fully trust my husband, but I just keep hitting a wall when trying to decide what to do with this money. Should I leave it in the same account, let my husband handle it, or do something else entirely?

—Blood Money

Dear Blood Money,

I’m sorry your father died when you were so young. My mother passed away my freshman year of high school, and I had family who used me for my Social Security checks. It sucks. But please know that your mom financially cut you off, and not the other way around.

Because of the history of financial abuse you’ve endured in your past, wanting to keep your nest egg away from your husband is completely justified and understandable. All women should have their own money set aside, whether they are happily married, eyeing the exits, or a cat lady of one. Marriage does not equal financial security, especially for a woman. Anything can happen, and you want to have your own money that is easily accessible.

I think you should hire a certified financial planner to help you go over your inheritance and develop an investing strategy that you feel comfortable with. CFPs can be either fee-based, where you’re charged a flat fee for using their services, or they can earn commission off of financial products they sell or manage for you. I would start with a CFP who will regularly manage your portfolio and work with you to develop a financial strategy that you feel comfortable with. (You can ask friends or search local social media forums for recommendations for trustworthy CFPs, too.) I’m excited for you and your new investing journey!

—A.V.

From: I Think My Husband Is Trying To Destroy My Credit Before We Divorce. (September 22nd 2021).

Classic Prudie

I just got out of a financial and romantic wreck. My boyfriend moved his mistress into my guest bedroom, telling me she was a co-worker who “needed a place to stay.” When I found out the truth, I kicked them both out. My ex called me last week, accusing me of taking more than $10,000 in cash. I told him he was out of his mind and hung up. He also left a lousy old couch at my place and refused to come pick it up. While I was pushing it out to the curb, I found an envelope full of cash under one of the cushions. Part of me wants to wait a few months, then use the cash to celebrate. The only thing giving me pause is that it is technically his parents’ money and they were always kind to me.