Q My mother, who is widowed and in her late 70s, keeps bailing out my younger brother financially. This is despite not being well-off herself and my brother being 42 and perfectly able to get a job.
He and his wife live near my mother whereas my husband and I are 100 miles away. He has never really worked or been responsible for himself, even though he has a wife and children. They are on benefits and don’t seem to have ever wanted to work.
He is often rude and unpleasant if I suggest that he help our mother more. My father was an angry, controlling man and he is not dissimilar. My husband and I both work hard and, while we manage money-wise, our lives are not particularly easy because one of our daughters has special needs. When we visit my mother, we have to spend time doing lots of odd jobs around the house that my brother could have done.
I have repeatedly told her that she must stop bailing him out because he needs to learn to fend for himself. But she worries about his children not getting enough. I do understand and share my mother’s concerns about his kids, but I feel she is being used. It is also unfair because we could actually do with a little help ourselves and she seems to feel that only my brother needs her support. She’s even suggested that her house will be left to him when she dies.
A This is such a painful and frustrating situation. You and your husband are doing your utmost to support your mother from afar while your brother appears to do very little. It’s deeply unfair that she continues to bail him out financially when she isn’t well-off herself. It’s likely that she still feels responsible for him, especially with grandchildren involved.
But it’s also likely that, having spent years in a marriage with a controlling and angry man, your brother may sadly be manipulating her in much the same way, using guilt, pressure and perhaps even fear to get his way. The fact that he’s often rude and unpleasant to you only makes it harder. It’s emotionally abusive, and your mother’s difficulty in addressing this might reflect her long history of suffering difficult male behaviour.
You are right that if she continues supporting him financially she is enabling him to some extent and things will never change. Talk to her also about her will, explaining your concerns with calm honesty. You’re not being selfish – you’re asking for fairness.
She could do with support, not only in dealing with her son but also in coming to terms with the impact of a long, abusive marriage. Suggest that she gets help from Age UK (0800 678 1602) or tries counselling. It might also help you to talk to Age UK, as well as asking the NSPCC for advice about your brother’s children (020 7825 2505).
IS HIS BIRTHDAY GIFT TOO MUCH, TOO SOON?
Q I’ve been seeing a really nice man for a couple of months. He is kind, thoughtful and loving, but for my birthday last week he surprised me with a present of an exotic holiday. It’s an extravagant trip abroad for two and we’re due to leave in a couple of months.
I like him a lot – it’s possible I could fall in love with him – but I feel overwhelmed. The gesture feels too much, too soon. We’re still getting to know each other. I’ve been hurt badly before: my ex-husband, who I’d been with for nearly 30 years since my teens, had an affair. I don’t want to push this man away or sabotage what might become a very special relationship, but I feel anxious about accepting something I’m not emotionally ready for.
A It’s lovely to hear that you’ve met someone kind and generous, but feeling overwhelmed by this grand gesture is understandable. The betrayal by your ex-husband will have cut deeply, especially as he was your only significant relationship. This makes it difficult for you to build trust, and no wonder you want to take things slowly.
However, a healthy partnership is one in which you can be honest. So explain gently what you have told me: that it is a wonderful offer but you feel it suggests he wants a commitment you’re not ready for. Tell him that it is absolutely not a rejection and you are just building trust. If he’s the man you hope he is, he’ll understand.
As long as he can afford this gift, I see no reason why you can’t go on holiday with him and have a lovely time while managing both of your expectations. You could ask to contribute to the cost to help you feel more comfortable.
