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Dear Pay Dirt,
I own a one-bedroom condo. My boyfriend moved in because he couldn’t pay rent and help his ex pay the mortgage on the house. She lost her job and they were desperate to keep the two girls in this school district since the youngest has special needs.
The girls usually sleep on the couch when they visit. They have never expressed any unhappiness to me and are usually excited because of the nearby pool and park. The problem is that my boyfriend has increasingly cut me out on decisions and only informs me at the last minute. We will decide to stay home and cook for dinner but then the girls want to go out to eat, so he picks up fast food while I am cooking. We make plans for a vacation, but he gives his money to help his ex on her car note and can’t afford to go. I am the last to know and then my boyfriend gets defensive because he is “only” putting his girls first.
We ended up having a huge fight because he decided our living arrangement wasn’t good enough. The girls deserved their own room so we needed to move to a bigger place. I put my foot down and pointed out that he couldn’t afford to put anything toward a down payment with him covering his ex as he has been. He barely pays his half of the bills now. He called me money-grubbing and said that I was hateful for wanting to hurt his girls like this. I love his girls but I am tired of being last on the list here. I ended up leaving and staying with a friend for a few days. My boyfriend was all apologies after that and promised to change. But I haven’t seen much of that. He has six months left on the lease that he signed with me. What do I do here?
—Six Months
Dear Six Months,
It’s time for some financial transparency. You’re sharing a life —and a condo—together, which means you’re at the point in your relationship where you should have a clear idea of what each other’s finances look like. Specifically, the two of you should talk through your budget. How much money do each of you have coming in? Where exactly is that money going? How much do you have leftover to save? What do you want to save up for? Transparency doesn’t mean you have to combine every cent of your finances, but you should have a shared budget for shared expenses, and you should each be open about your income, debt, spending habits, and so on.
The subject of his spousal support is complicated. He should certainly pitch in on the expenses required to raise his children. On the other hand, he doesn’t get a say in all of those expenses—like what kind of car his ex drives and how much the payment is. A possible solution to this might be to agree on a dollar amount that he’ll give each month for those miscellaneous expenses—car payments, emergencies, transportation, gas, etc. He might want to give a few hundred bucks here and there as expenses come up—piano lessons, clothing, family vacations—and those expenses can add up fast. If there’s a limit, and his ex is aware of the limit, it’s a way of setting a boundary.
The bigger issue is that your boyfriend has been keeping you out of the loop. In that case, he might not be willing to be fully transparent with you about his money and where it’s going. It’s not just about the money. If he’s not including you in decisions that affect you, it suggests that he’s not really taking your relationship seriously. It’s a good sign that he was apologetic—maybe he knows that this behavior isn’t right—but I would be hesitant to buy a home with someone who excluded me from his decisions.
Before you make any big moves, have that conversation. An icebreaker might be something like, “The two of us are sharing a life together, and before we make any big moves in that direction, I’d like us to have more financial transparency.” See how he responds. If he’s all for it—great! That’s a good sign. If not, you know to proceed with caution, and it might be time to rethink the relationship and that lease.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My older brother “Alex” hates Christmas. He says that presents are a waste, even things he has told us he needs or wants. Last year, he threw a screaming fit because he and I both bought slippers for our father. Meanwhile, he bought me a cheap scented candle knowing that artificial scents give me migraines. I thanked him and donated it to charity.
We are planning a family trip somewhere tropical next year. Mom asked Alex if he would be interested (he said yes) and if the plane ticket would be an acceptable Christmas present in lieu of gifts (also yes). Over the past month, he has grown increasingly agitated about our planning efforts, finally revealing that he doesn’t want to go, and he “doesn’t want anything to do with Christmas.”
I’m not looking for ways to change Alex. It’s his prerogative to be ornery, and if he doesn’t want to be part of Christmas, he shouldn’t have to be. The issue is, that my mother is crushed. She was so glad to have found a gift he may actually appreciate instead of him berating her for her generosity and effort. She is obsessed with the idea of keeping things “fair” for her three children, and the idea of giving the younger two gifts while the oldest won’t accept anything doesn’t sit right with her. But canceling Christmas because a 36-year-old threw a temper tantrum would be unfair to everyone else in the family. Any thoughts on navigating this? Looking exasperated and suggesting we all need therapy hasn’t landed anyone in therapy, somehow.
—You Can Have More Than One Pair of Slippers
Dear Slippers,
You seem to have some options here. You can try to convince your mom to go on the trip without your brother or you can try to convince your brother to go.
If you want to try the former, would your mom be willing to go on the trip without your brother if she offered him a gift of equivalent value? If he doesn’t like the plans everyone is making, and he’s outvoted, is there something else he’d rather do? Maybe he would rather go somewhere else on his own.
By threatening to back out if he doesn’t get his way, your brother is being a bit manipulative. Ask your mom if she’d be willing to call his bluff. “We’ve all decided the plans are XYZ, and if you don’t want to go, we can’t do anything about that. We hope you’ll change your mind, but we’re not changing our plans.” Your mom might still feel guilty during the trip, but this could set some expectations for the future.
If you want to convince your brother to go on the trip instead, ask if you can talk to him about the holidays. As you said, you can’t change how he feels, but it sounds like he might have some deeper issues going on, which are worth addressing. Does Christmas kick up some old memories for him? Do the holidays make him feel lonely? Maybe he’s going through a stressful time at work, and all the hoopla of the holidays just adds to it. Whatever it is, a little listening could go a long way. Don’t bring up the trip, but tell him you’ve noticed that he seems to be unhappy and stressed out every year and you’re curious why and where it’s coming from. He might get defensive. He might blame you. He might—let’s hope not—bring up those slippers again. Wherever he takes the conversation, give him a chance to have the floor for some time, and try to listen objectively. You don’t have to agree with what he says, but giving him space to talk will make him feel heard, and feeling heard has a way of opening people’s minds to other ideas. Once he’s said his piece, you can tell him how you’re feeling, too—that you’d like him to go on the trip because you want your mom to be happy, but ultimately, it’s his decision. You’re just putting it out there. Maybe then he’ll be more likely to come around without having a tantrum about it.
Ultimately, it seems there’s no ideal scenario here. If you convince your mom to go on the trip without your brother, she’ll feel guilty the whole time, which could put a real damper on the vacation. If you convince your brother to go, chances are, he’ll be a Grinch, which will also sour the mood. Of course, the third choice is you skip the vacation altogether. If it’s going to be filled with mom guilt or a grump, you might not be missing out on much.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
What is a fair contribution when you have significant wealth but no employment income? My ex-wife and I recently semi-amicably divorced. Because of her recently inherited family wealth together with the divorce settlement, she left the marriage with a net worth of $4 million—80% of which is equity investments and 20% a brand new fully paid-for luxury condo where she lives. She has a college degree but chooses not to work and is instead going to graduate school part-time. Thus she has limited disposable income. My net worth is $2 million, 75% of which is real estate in the form of rental properties I manage. These are leveraged and there is no current cash flow. The remainder of my wealth is a 401(k), which I can’t access for 10 more years. I also make about $200,000 per year from a corporate job. Thus I have cash on hand. We have one child who is severely disabled and in a residential facility.
Our divorce decree says we split child costs, however, I am my son’s legal guardian and the ex is not, so I control his personal finances. At the residential facility, the child “works” for minimum wage and makes about $200 per week. I am pretty sure they could not work outside of this highly structured environment, so their future income is highly questionable. I currently take 100% of their earnings and other government benefits and invest them in a professionally managed disability trust to cover future expenses. I pay my half of my son’s day-to-day expenses myself as well as provide medical insurance and a cell phone. My ex wants to use my son’s income to cover his expenses. This would cut the monthly investment in half as I would just redirect my contribution to the disability trust fund. I don’t think this is wise or fair. I can’t work forever and I think it’s best to build up the largest nest egg as much as possible for my son’s future. I don’t want to go back to court over a couple hundred dollars a month but I also care that a fair resolution is reached. I just have no idea what that is.
—Can’t Figure Out Fair
Dear Fair,
Is your ex aware that the money will come out of your son’s disability trust? It sounds like she’s thinking about the short-term fixes but not considering the potential long-term cost. I get that she’s on a limited income, but it doesn’t exactly seem like she’s hurting financially, and given your son’s situation, it sounds like he might have some financial needs in the future where this trust will be crucial.
If she suggested using his job to cover his expenses, I’m guessing that she’s probably not interested in contributing to the trust, but you could bring this up as a potential solution. Would she be willing to fund a portion of it from her assets or equity? Or maybe you can propose splitting your son’s earnings between the trust and his current expenses. It would still mean putting less of his own earnings in the trust —which isn’t ideal —but it might be one option for a compromise.
Why not hire a mediator as an alternative to court? I understand not wanting to make a big deal over a couple of hundred bucks. But if issues like this keep coming up, and it seems likely they will, it might be useful to have a mediator on hand to deal with them. The bigger issue here is how to manage your son’s income and plan for his future. Mediation could help both of you come to an agreement that might set a precedent for future hiccups that arise.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
I’m in my late-30s in a professional field in which I am stable with good work-life balance, but I have not taken the traditional path in this field so don’t have a lot of success nor make a lot of money. My wife also doesn’t make a lot of money, but she’s charming, recognized in her field, and on track to meet her professional life goals. Our friends are in diverse professional fields with one thing in common—they’re all quite brilliant.
