Money is either the sexiest or least sexy word in the English language – depending on whether you’ve got lots of it or none.
Either way, it’s the thing that’s most likely to cause problems in your relationship: disagreements over money are the number one predictor of divorce in most Western countries.
Financial infidelity – covering up what’s really happening in your finances – is rampant. We’ll talk about almost anything, including our bowel habits, before we’ll talk honestly about money to our partner.
One in five people in long-term relationships in the UK keep a financial secret – and 12 per cent admit to having a hidden savings account or stash of cash. Even more concerning, one in ten has hidden debt from their partner.
Keeping your true financial status a secret can be justified in certain circumstances (if you suspect they’re only there for the money, for instance).
But when is it understandable, and when does it cross over into betrayal?
Let’s start with the ultimate finance betrayal.
UK-based sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) delves into one of the biggest stresses in modern relationships: Money
Significant debt
Anna, 44, thought she’d hit the jackpot when she started dating a good-looking banker after a messy, acrimonious divorce. They married quickly – why wait, when things are perfect? – and were happy for two years before Anna discovered things weren’t what they seemed.
‘I found out that my new husband hadn’t paid tax for the last eight years. He earned a fortune but owed even more to the tax man. He was utterly useless at managing money, and the tax department had finally caught up with him.’
The tax bill bankrupted her partner – and ended their relationship. ‘It wasn’t just the fact that he lost everything, and I had to cover expenses I didn’t earn enough to pay. It wasn’t even the lying. It was realising I’d married a man who was an absolute idiot. How could I ever trust him with anything ever again after that?’
Thirty per cent of divorces are linked to financial dishonesty or money stress, and the main trigger is hidden debt. But how do you tell someone you really like and want to be with that you have financial problems? Big ones.
‘I got into credit card debt after I lost my job during COVID,’ Terri, a HR manager, told me. ‘I didn’t want to worry my partner of two years because he was struggling with his own problems. And I was ashamed. I kept making minimal payments and thought I’d fix it quietly. Then one day, he saw a letter and found out I owed £37,000. He was furious – not because of the money but because I’d hidden it from him for so long. By that stage, I was pregnant, and money was important to us.’
Debt can’t stay secret forever – and the longer you conceal it, the more it becomes a relationship issue rather than purely a financial one.
If you’re in debt, you are always better off confessing to your partner and asking for help, regardless of whether the problem is old or new. Another alternative is to see a company who help to organise debt into a manageable solution, then explain.
Secret credit cards when you have a history of overspending
It’s normal to go a bit bonkers when you first get a credit card. I remember hiking mine to the limit the first week I got it, then doing that dance of using one credit card to pay off another. (Yes, you could do that years ago.)
At 25, I cut up all my cards and never got another credit card again. Some people are great with credit cards and only use them when necessary; most people are rubbish.
Having a credit card with a modest limit is fine if you’re good with money. But if you’ve got into financial problems from credit card debt and promised your partner you won’t apply for another, doing so is a major breach of trust.
Gambling
‘I discovered my partner had been gambling online for six years. He’d not only emptied a sacred account we set up to finance our kid’s private education, he maxed out three credit cards and took out a payday loan in my name,’ Julia, 52, told me.
A hidden gambling problem isn’t a money issue; it’s an addiction. One that roughly 430,000 adults in the UK have.
Gambling often shows up in relationships first. Red flags include finding yourself covering unexplained shortfalls, being fobbed off with ‘Don’t worry about it – I’ve got it under control’ or noticing late-night transactions.
You can’t fix this one alone: GamCare and Relate are both excellent first ports of call.
MONEY THAT’S NONE OF YOUR PARTNER’S BUSINESS…
You don’t have to turn into matching bookends to make a happy relationship – and this is particularly true when it comes to money. Some couples do open joint accounts and review each other’s every purchase; others work better by maintaining financial autonomy.
Having never had a joint account and always being in relationships where we both managed our own money, I’m all for financial independence.
But before I get any further into talking about the things that aren’t your partner’s business, anything in this section has a HUGE caveat.
All these things are fine so long as you don’t have money problems. If you’re both not earning much, struggling to pay the rent and barely managing to feed your kids, buying a box of Magnums might be your partner’s business.
If you’re both making decent money and managing your finances well, that pricey yoga course probably doesn’t need checking with your partner.
Secret savings that are for both your benefit
‘When my partner and I moved in together, we agreed to split bills 50/50,’ says Jodie. ‘He’s great with money but also quite controlling about how it’s spent – he questions every Deliveroo. So, I started skimming £50 per month into a separate account. Not to splurge but to build a “romance fund”. When I surprised him with a weekend in Rome, he cried. It was technically a secret – but a loving one.’
A small ‘us’ fund is a good thing. It creates the freedom to do spontaneous things, which benefits the relationship.
Secret ‘you’ funds are sometimes necessary as well…
Secret savings when you are planning on leaving a toxic relationship
If your partner is in any way abusive or coercive, putting aside money for an eventual escape is highly advisable.
There are many support groups online which can advise how best to keep your money undiscoverable.
A shopping spree when it’s your own money
‘I make my own money. I work hard. If I want to buy a designer bag, I’ll buy one,’ says Carla, 38. ‘My partner thinks my splurges are “shallow”. But spending money on feeling good is part of who I am. It’s not like I’m taking food off the table.’
Carla’s right. As a rule of thumb, if a purchase affects shared goals (like paying off the mortgage or funding your next holiday), it’s joint business. Otherwise, that bag binge is yours.
Ditto the expensive gym membership if you use it and can afford it. Need extra ammunition to justify? Try this: regular exercise reduces relationship conflict by 30 per cent because it lowers cortisol, which helps to regulate our emotions.
Now that’s what I call money well spent!
Visit traceycox.com for info on Tracey’s books, podcast or products.
