Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I recently retired. This is the second marriage for us both. We live about an hour and a half from his son, who has two boys, ages 9 and 12. Here’s the problem: The younger grandson, “Colin,” started playing Little League baseball this year. We have attended three of his games and have seen him have only one turn at bat out of all three. It’s not that the coach isn’t letting him play—it’s Colin!
At the start of two of the games, he threw a temper tantrum because he didn’t want to wear the protective gear. Coach said he had to wear it or sit on the bench; he chose to sit out the games. The one game he actually played in, he was running to first base and fell, scraping his knee. It was a minor injury, but he refused to continue playing.
Now Colin’s team is playing in some sort of tournament that’s even farther away, over two hours one way. My husband thinks we should go, but I’m hesitant. I struggle with motion sickness on long car trips and we’ve already driven nine hours total to see Colin bat once and immediately drop out of the game for a scraped knee. As retirees on a fixed income, we’re feeling the pinch of super high gas prices right now as well.
I’m not sure what to do. I understand my husband wanting to be supportive of Colin, but we’re spending a not-insignificant amount of time and money mostly to watch him sit on a bench. If he were actually playing, it would be much easier to justify the expense, but I feel like this is turning into a “sunk cost” situation. Please advise.
—Play Ball, Please
Dear Play,
Colin is obviously struggling. With what, I’ve no idea—nor do you, it’s clear—but that matters not a whit to me as I answer your question.
A grandfather who shows up for his grandchild (steadfastly, reliably, hopefully) is no small thing. One of these days, Colin will make it through a game, and his grandpa will be there to cheer for him. And in the meantime, Colin knows he’s there. And Colin’s dad knows he’s there. (That probably matters to your husband, too—that he’s there for his son, who is himself watching his son struggle, no doubt feeling his pain.)
If you don’t want to make the trip with your husband, don’t. (I get motion sick too. It’s the worst.) But don’t you dare make the case to him that these trips are a waste of money. Forget about “justifying the expense.” Your husband isn’t trying to—only you are. So just accept that you and he have different financial priorities. It happens.
That you have no sympathy for this little boy is painful to me, I confess. But if it doesn’t trouble your husband, it’s none of my business. (Does it not trouble him, I can’t help wondering, that you have no real empathy for him in this situation?) In any case: Stay home if you like. And let him (and this argument) go.
—Michelle
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My oldest son has been playing soccer since he was 6. I played soccer through college, so I was thrilled to volunteer to coach his team when he started. When he began playing well enough to get invited to a travel team, my wife and I were incredibly excited and made the effort to go to almost every weekend game and out-of-town tournament. Fast forward to today: I have been coaching spring and fall rec soccer for the past seven years, and when I’m not coaching, I’m driving to travel practices or watching travel games. And I am just so, so burnt out on this.
