Dear Vanessa,
Our son is 32 with two young children. He and his partner have been renting for years, but with the cost of everything going up, they can’t seem to get ahead. They’ve been slowly saving for a house deposit but it could take years.
Recently, they asked if they could move in with us for a while to save more money. We agreed – it makes sense and we want to support them where we can. But now our son has taken it a step further and asked if we would consider contributing to their deposit so they can buy sooner.
My husband and I are both 61 and still working. We’ve got retirement savings and some extra put aside, but we’re not retired yet – and we don’t have unlimited resources.
My husband is very cautious and thinks helping financially is a bad idea. He’s worried that once the money is gone, we won’t get it back – and we might end up needing it down the track. I can see both sides, and I’m torn. We want to help, but not at the expense of our own future. What’s the right thing to do?
Christine.
Dear Christine,
You’ve described a dilemma so many families are facing right now. With housing unaffordability, high living costs, and interest rates biting, adult children are under enormous financial pressure- and often, their first thought is to turn to mum and dad.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov
It’s understandable. You’re the generation who built up savings, paid down debt, and likely bought property at a more achievable price. To your children, you may look financially secure. But what they often don’t realise is that retirement is getting more expensive, we’re all living longer, and your money has to stretch much further than it used to.
Opening your home to help them save is already a generous act – and likely to be a huge help. But giving away money, especially before you’ve even retired, is a completely different decision. Once you gift a lump sum, it’s usually gone for good. And if something changes – your health, your job, or even their relationship – you can’t always get it back.
That doesn’t mean you can’t help. But it does mean being crystal clear about what you can safely afford to give, and what impact it will have on your lifestyle for the next 20 or 30 years. That’s where a conversation with a good financial adviser can make all the difference. They can model what a gift or loan would do to your future income and help you structure it properly, so it’s protected.
For example, if your son and his partner were to split up, would you want your contribution to be part of a legal agreement or loan that’s repaid? Or is this money a gift with no expectations? These are emotional decisions, but they have real financial consequences.
And just as importantly, you and your husband need to be on the same page. If one of you feels uneasy, that’s a sign to slow down and gather more information before making any commitments. Money given under pressure or guilt often causes long-term resentment – especially if it later affects your ability to live the retirement you planned.
If you need help finding an adviser in your area, I offer a free referral service to connect you with someone experienced and independent.
Supporting your family is a wonderful thing – but so is securing your own future, so you can enjoy your retirement, your freedom, and the time you’ve earned with your grandkids.
